It has been three months since I returned from Swaziland. I think about the people I met there every day. I long to go back. Most days since I have been back I wonder if God wants me to live there. I wonder if He wants me to drop everything, surrender my life here and live in a different place. A place that would stretch me more, make me depend on Him more.
I sit here and think that I can make more of a difference there. In Swaziland there are less distractions, less drama, less busyness. There are less selfish people, less whiny teenagers, less godlessness. But this is not all true. There is need everywhere. There are distractions and drama and sin and immorality everywhere.
I now feel the closest I have ever felt to God. I thought it was because of my experience in Africa and of course that did bring me closer to Him, but it's not just that. He is teaching me that I am longing for Him and not a place. I want to feel settled, I want to feel at peace and at home. Christ revealed to me that I will never feel settled or truly at peace or at home until I am in heaven with Him. As long as I am in this world I can not feel at home. I thought at one point in my life I would finally feel like I was doing the right thing and that I was making a difference. But the truth of the matter is that I am still a sinner and I am constantly in desperate need of His love and grace.
I don't know where God wants me to live tomorrow or three months from now but I do know that I trust my Savior. I do know that He wants me to spread the Gospel no matter where I am or who I am with. I pray that God would teach me to be content, not complacent, but content in knowing that He is in control and He will use everything for His glory.
"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."
1 Timothy 6:6-8
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